美国成人在网上讲述他们的难堪经历 (18+)

请网友踊跃提出英语文问题, 或自己学习心得
帖子: 32
注册时间: 周三 3月 17, 2010 5:01 pm

美国成人在网上讲述他们的难堪经历 (18+)

帖子 suyu » 周六 5月 08, 2010 12:20 pm

[请先读英文部分,如果你能笑,恭喜你: 你跟美国人的日常英语交流能力不低。Btw, 中文翻译部分有的比较稀松。]




时间:2009-07-29 来源:网络
  有个网站:fmylife,是fuck my life的简称,也就是我们常说的【卧槽】,每件fuck事后面都跟着它的简称 FML 。


  Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML (fuck my life)

  今天,我在邮箱里收到了我的护照。他们把我的生日搞错了。然后我找到了我一起送去申请护照的出生证明。结果我发现我的父母16年来一直在错误的一天给我过生日。 FML

   Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML


  Today, I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER. When I arrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attack while having sex. FML


  Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML


  Today, my teacher demanded to talk to my dad because she thought he wasn't a good enough male role model because i'd misbehaved. i told her he had died of cancer in 2005. She said that my lie was rude, disgraceful, and that i should be ashamed, then gave me a detention. He actually did die. FML


  Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was going through it, I realized that both my parents have the same last name. So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are second cousins. FML


  Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML


   Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML


  Today, I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleeping pills but I decided last minute not to take them. I woke up to my boyfriend kissing my neck and unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening my eyes, I whispered "ooh this is so romantic." He blurted out shocked, "Oh.you're awake?!" FML


  Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML


  Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML

  今天,我以为我听到了我的小妹妹在玩我的新的大钢琴。我十分生气,跑下楼去制止她。结果我发现声音的来源是我父母在我的新钢琴上 OOXX。FML

  Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML


  Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML

  今天,我上交了我的博士论文,我花了半年的时间做调查来写这篇论文。昨晚,我的室友在微软WORD里面的“自动更正”里面把“也不是(neither)”这个词全改成了“黑鬼(nigger)”。我一直到交了论文以后才发现。更糟糕的是我的教授就是个黑人。 FML

  Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML


  Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML


  Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML


  Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML


  Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I'm going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child, at their wedding. FML


  Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML


  Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML


  Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML


  Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

  今天,我自己一人来到了我和我男友第一次约会的地方:一个孤僻的山上。我注意到有另一对情侣藏在灌木丛中亲热。于是我打电话给我男友,想要告诉他说有人找到了属于我们的秘密幽会地点。然后我就听到了我男友手机的Bob Marley的彩铃声从那堆灌木里飘来。FML

  Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML

  Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML


  Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML


  Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML


  Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

  今天,我在和我的男朋友OOXX。当他要丢了的时候,他突然声嘶力竭地大喊“太棒了Brittany!!”我的名字不是 Brittany.Brittany是他的妹妹。FML

  Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

  今天,我老板叫我去他的办公室,要给我看一个可能成为我们的商业伙伴的公司的网站。当他在谷歌里面打“Virginia”这个词的时候,网站把他的搜索自动补完成了他最近才搜索过的词条—— “小处男的菊花”。我明天就要和他一起出差。我是个年轻男人。FML

  Today, I asked my boyfriend to come over for dinner because I had some big news. He said he did too, and came over. After stuffing his face full of food, he broke up with me and said he'd re-enlisted into the marines, leaving in two weeks. I was going to tell him i'm 9 weeks pregnant. FML


  Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML


  Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

  今天,我的女儿问我我是什么时候破处的。当我告诉她是22岁时,她立马大喊道:“我赢喽!!”她今年才 13。FML

  Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML


  Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doing she said "I'm pretending to be mommy from last night." I was on a business trip last night. FML


  Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

  今天,我被我老爸突然造访我宿舍的敲门声所吵醒。我把门打开对着在门外的他打招呼,这时候我的室友脱光了衣服拉开了门,亲了我的脸颊,用一种超级搞基的声音说“昨晚你真棒”以后跑了。 FML

  Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. FML


  Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML


   Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML


  Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. FML


  Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML


  Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML


  Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After i knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized only to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background: "Baby, who's there?" FML


  Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th. FML


   Today, my friends approached me and accused me of being anorexic cause i've dropped a lot of weight lately. I swore to them that i wasn't anorexic. They jokingly asked "Do you have cancer or something?" All i could do was stare at my feet. That wasn't exactly how i wanted them to find out. FML

  今天,我的朋友怀疑我得了厌食症因为我最近掉了很多秤。我对他们发誓说我没得厌食症。他们开玩笑说: “那你是得了癌症什么的吗?”我除了盯着我的脚不知道以外不知道该如何反应——我并没指望他们以这种形式发现我得了癌症。FML

   Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML

  今天,我在用手指X女友。她在高潮顶点的时候突然哭了起来。我问她发生了什么事,她回答说:“我 ——我——我——我想他!!”她是为了她的前男友在哭。我当时还在她体内。FML

  Today, I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I'm gay. When I was typing the email address in the "to:" field, it autocorrected the address to my mother. She just responded: "you filthy faggot". FML


  Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML


  Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML


  Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML


  Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "what do I do now?" FML


   Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It's my mom's 4th wedding. I'm getting replaced by our dog. FML


  Today, I opened my mail to find my Brown acceptance letter. Excited, I showed my dad who just laughed and said 'what, it's not like it's Harvard'. No one in my family has ever gone to college. My dad didn't even graduate from high school. FML


   Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says. "I'm finally going to tell her I love her!" I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'm Kayla. FML


  Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancee, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancee for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML


  Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson. Don't f*** with me." I'm Tyler, Jackson is my co-worker. FML


  Today, I came home to find my mum on the phone to the doctor. When she hung up I asked what had happened. She said they found a sexually transmitted disease in my bloodtest, and then she began to call me a slut. I'm 14, and am still a virgin. After 5 mins of crying, she tells me she was joking. FML


  Today, my son looked out of the window and said "what's that piece of shit doing on our driveway?" It was the new car we were trying to surprise him with on his 16th birthday. FML


  Today, a 7 year old girl randomly came up to me and told me to f*** myself. I told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard this conversation, she came up to me and told me to f*** myself as well. FML

  今天,一个7岁的陌生小女孩突然走向我,跟我说 “滚泥马。”我告诉她注意自己的口气,否则我就告诉她父母。她妈妈就在附近,而且她恰好听到了了我们的对话。于是她突然走向了也我跟我说了句“滚泥马”。 FML

  Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't know what that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found out he's talking about a new Pokemon game. FML

  今天,我发短信给我的男友,问他到底想不想今天来亲热。他的回复是“不行,白金今天出。”我一开始没听懂,于是我去搜索了一下“白金,2009年3月 22号”。结果我发现他是在说最新的口袋妖怪游戏。FML

  Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML


  Today, I turned 18. Nothing was said at breakfast, but I figured they'd remember and we'd have cake at night. I came home and there was cake, but not for me. My sister got her period for the first time during the day and they were celebrating. Apparently, a vaginal discharge was more important. FML


  Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML

  今天,我看到了我家新房子的图纸。我的屋子是旁边那个屋子大小的一半。“那个屋子”是我继母的大衣橱。 FML

  Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML


  Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML

  今天,我在和我男朋友OOXX。突然,他从我身上跳下来,大喊:“该死,该死!”我很着急,问他怎么了。他大吼:“我忘了设定TiVO了!”(一种电视录像装置). FML

  Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidently drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML


  Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiance that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. FML


  Today, I found out I won a 20 000 or 30 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

  今天,我发现我赢了份20000 - 30000的奖学金。在屋里和我家人跳上跳下庆祝了半个小时以后,我们才意识到这信是寄给另一个和我们姓一样的人的。我们和她联系上以后,她说这事真是奇怪,因为她收到的是我的拒信。FML

  Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML


  Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to "surprise mom later". Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML


  Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML


  Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn't raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML


  Today, my parents won't stop bragging about how my sister is dating the captain of her high school football team. I just got accepted to law school. FML


  Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see that they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML


  Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML


  Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having sex. FML


  Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say "Oh man, you're gonna make me cum" to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14. FML


  Today, I went to get a sports physical at a hospital. My nurse was morbidly obese and unattractive. She told me she would go through the tests listed on the sheet. She did everything, including feeling my genitalia. When it was done, I read over the sheet. Genitalia wasn't a test listed. FML


  Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my p*** stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus 软妹子 d everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML


  Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML


  Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML

  今天,大概晚上十点多我在道上开车。我前面车里的乘客向窗外扔了什么东西。拿东西径直打在了我的挡风玻璃上。那是个套套。用过的套套。而且用完没系。 JY在你开快车的时候散开得很快。FML

  Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had 'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML


  Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML


  Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML


  Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML


  Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, I noticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. The play was Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearing was a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during the crucifixion. FML


  Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. FML


  Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML

  今天我在和一个刚认识的女孩OOXX,大约5分钟之后,她说她想上厕所,所以我们被迫停止。大概等了10分钟,我决定进去看看她怎么样了。进去一看,窗户是开着的,她逃走了。卧槽= =

  Today, as I was bagging groceries at Dominicks, I looked down to see a 6 year old urinating on my shoes and the floor next to me. I told his mother that he should take her kid to the restroom, only to be told to "mind my own god damned business." I was later fired for arguing with the customer. FML


  Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

  今天,当一个正妹进电梯的时候电梯里只有我一个,当时她正在打电话。她和她朋友说:“我得挂了,电梯里有个帅哥~~”在我有任何反应之前她说:“对不起,我撒谎了,我只是真的很想把那个电话结束”卧槽= =!!

  Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML


  Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off of the $1.00 menu to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and an bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $24,000 in bills. Really. FML


  Today, one of the psych patients I work with on a locked unit looked into my eyes and told me lovingly that I reminded him of his sister. The sister he killed after he raped her. FML


  Today, I called my fiance and found out she is 9 weeks pregnant. I had been in Iraq for over 6 months. I also found out her and her new boyfriend already spent most of my $30,000 re-enlistment bonus on a new car and a trip to Las Vegas. FML


  Today, there are two restaurants gang fights, and other unrelated people are gone, only I did not move, watching them smile.

  I feel very cool.







  Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML


  Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML



  Today I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver, they drank too much and on the way home hooked up in the back seat. FML


  Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized and told him I had none, he yelled angrily "who comes to this city without money?" I replied "apparently, you do." Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FM

  今天一个流浪汉向我要硬币我没给他,告诉他我身上没有,他非常生气的向我吼道:没钱谁TM来这个城市啊? 我回答 “很明显,你就是” 这个答案显然不对,他跟在我身后一直尖叫 FML

  Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML

  今天我和老妈感慨事实上和我发生过关系的男的都不超过2个月,她问我为什么,我回答:因为我偏激,强势,保守,还有顽固。为了鼓励我,她说 至少你还是诚实的 FML

   Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML

  今天我在一个公园里散步,看到一群孩子在踢球, 其中一个把球踢向了我,很幸运的是我把球接到了。 然后我把球丢下踢回去喊到:“接好了” 球打到了一颗书上弹回来,命中我的脸 FML

  Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML

  今天我在洗澡的时候,男朋友忽然跳了进来,我们有一点点小兴奋地时候 老妈的手穿过了帘子 把套套丢在了浴池里,说:注意安全啊孩子们 FML

  Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my 软妹子s. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the 软妹子 s are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life. FML

  今天我在厨房里安装好了摄像头想看看谁偷了我的饼干, 结果我看到了老妈和她的男朋友,好消息是饼干很安全,坏消息是 我看了一些我这辈子都不想看到的事 FML

  Today, after my girlfriend of 2 years left me for another guy, I got stuck in an elevator for 3 hours. With both of them. FML

  今天和我相处2年的女朋友离开了我和另一个男人好了, 然后我在电梯里面卡了3小时,和他们2个一起 FML

  Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML


  Today, I was leaving to go over to a friend's and my parents suddenly ask if I'm gay. I reply that no, I'm bisexual. My mom then asks if I've ever made out with someone of the same sex and I say yes. She turns to my dad and says 'I told you so. You owe me $20'. My parents bet on my sexuality. FML


  Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML

  今天,我在我的小弟弟偷看我朋友在卫生间换衣服的时候把他抓了个正着。我问他他在干嘛,他回答说:“雷(Ray) 在你去卫生间的时候就这么做,我只是在学他罢了。”雷是我的新继父。FML

  Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn't wearing a watch. FML


  Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the ten minutes to the office, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunity to share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. In great detail. FML


  Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML


  Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, then told me I'd get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked and blindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, "I want my prize on the kitchen table!" It was her mom who'd just got back from work. FML


  Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was gay. The executor read it out loud. My mom was the only one who knew. FML


  Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML

  今天,我发现就算你的男友向你求婚,也不意味着他婚礼的时候就一定能来。 FML

  Today, my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she's doing hormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML


  Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML


  Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

  今天,我男友和我在他的家里 OOXX。大概30分钟后,他的妈妈回家了,敲他的房门问道:“你在干啥?”想着也许我有偷偷溜出去的可能,我蹑手蹑脚地穿起了衣服。结果这时我的男友就回答:“佐伊。我在干佐伊。”FML

  Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML

  今天,一张“在马里兰醉酒驾驶” 的200美金的罚单被寄给了我。我从来都没因醉酒驾驶而被抓而且我压根就没去过马里兰。FML

  Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML


  Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have sex with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML


  Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML


Btw, internet English:

ASAP: As soon as possible 尽快

BF: Boyfriend 男朋友

GF: girlfriend 女朋友

BTW: By the way 随便说一下

BBL: Be back later 稍后回来

BRB: Be right back 很快回来

CU: See you 再见

CUL: See you later 下次再会

DIIK: Damned if I known 我的确不知

DS: Dunce smiley 笨伯

FE: For example 举例

FTF: Face to face 面对面

FYI: For your information 供参考

IAE: In any event无论如何

IC: I see 我明白

IMHO: In my humble opinion 依愚人之见

IMO: In my opinion 依我所见

IOW: In other words 换句话说

LOL: laughing out loudly 大声笑

NRN: No reply necessary 不必回信



正浏览此版面之用户: 没有注册用户 和 5 访客